RIP to Myself

Only Jesus could take one of the most tragic moments in the history of our lives and transform them into something beautiful. As I sat on the floor of my 6th inpatient rehabilitation facility dejected, physically broken, and dying in spirit, I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined that this was the moment where my life actually began. As I sat on the floor and wept, I desperately wished that my existence would come to an end. As Jesus begins to address His disciples of what is to come regarding His death and resurrection, He begins to explain the concept of true surrender and dying of self. In Matthew 16:25 Jesus tells His disciples, “If you try to hang on to your own life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.”  

 As I sat in that moment of despair, I did something that I had never done before in my 25 years of desperately seeking a sober way of life. I gave up my ideas, my beliefs, my fears, my scars, and most importantly, I gave up my feelings. While that moment was saturated with confusion, there were two things that were perfectly clear. One, that I was all out of ideas on how to fix my life and two, it was evident that if I had the capability to “fix” myself that I would have done so long ago. As my body began to shut down from years of toxic abuse, it was obvious to me that I was going to have to do something that I had never done before. I cried out in mourning for God to save me from myself.  

The definition of mourning is the expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died. In Matthew 5:4 Jesus states in the sermon on the mount, “God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”  What I believe happened to me on the floor of that bathroom was far more than just the expression of anguish due to the external circumstances of my addiction. The spiritual purging that emerged from my cries came from the realization that in that very moment, in order for Jesus to be the true Lord and Savior of my life, that everything about me had to die. As much as I loathed the person that I had become, I had become quite comfortable in my way of doing life. It was easy and it was safe, as true growth is always accompanied by pain and discomfort. The thought of complete detachment from 40 years of doing life on my terms was terrifying. The mourning, however, was much more than a cry out to God, it was the death of the person that I was, so that I could become the person that God intended me to be. 

In Psalm 138:3 David declares, “As soon as I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me strength.”  Unbeknownst to me, in that moment of agony my words were actually pleasing to God as they came from a place of sincere humility and honesty. As a man who has been redeemed from the strongholds of addiction, I can tell you that these prayers have been answered. I can also tell you that the answers to these prayers were only the beginning. Even as a man who has sinned, hurt many, and turned his back on God, His love is still everpresent, as His promises over my life continue to be fulfilled daily. Please hear me when I say that there is no sin too great for God’s mercy and forgiveness.  

If you are reading this, I feel compelled to tell you that I do not believe in coincidences. I would like to encourage you to continue to explore, but most importantly, to believe, in the promises of God over your life. No matter what you have (or have not) done, regardless of the pain and suffering inflicted on yourself or your loved ones, God is merciful and He is faithful. My prayer for you is in the belief that the deliverance from hardship is only the beginning. In John 10:10 Jesus states that “the thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I came that they may have a life, and have it abundantly.”  What is the thief in your life? Whether it be drugs, alcohol, lust, food, trauma, unforgiveness, distraction, or comparison, I’m here to tell you that there is so much more in Jesus. All you have to do is let go of self and let Him in.  Say goodbye to the old you, and step into New Life.  

Amen.